Boy am I tried....

I really don't remember a time when I have felt this tired or this old. Of course I am this old and I know that I have been this tired but maybe there was a time when I just dealt with it a little better. Last year was one year of a dozzie! When I lost my dad in May I think it just threw me for a loop, never realizing that I may not have dealt with all of it. All in a year we lost a lot of ones that we loved, my niece gave birth to a baby boy that she lovingly gave to a family to adopt, and it seemed as though we spent our summer attending memorials and wiping away a lot of tears. Why am I telling you all this? Call it...keepin' it real.... I am tired of hiding all the dark secrets of my aching heart. I need to let it go and there is no better way than to put it out there. Over the last six months I have cried buckets of tears and ate my way through this thing my doctor calls depression. I have tried the medicine, I can't get myself off the couch to exercise so that is out the window so I am doing the next best thing...I am talking about it, I am venting. All the classic signs of it are there....so the best thing to do right now is to figure out what the hay to do about it. That is the question of the day. Do I spend time and money talking to someone who is a professional that is going to tell me what I already know...my mom has nothing to do with me or my family because she LOCO, my grandmother took some many meds that I never knew anything was wrong with her until my Aunt told me one day how LOCO she was See its in my genes. I can't help it that I am crazy as straight man in a gay bar. Its like its always been there just lying dormant waiting for something major to happen for me to lose control. I think that I may still be holding on, just a little, to any shred of sanity that I may have left. Who has time for all these thoughts? I must put on my wading boots and get through this somehow, some way. Life goes on and I can choose to live in it or watch from the sidelines. My friends all tell me I am strong, we will see friends just remember to keep your patient hats on and remember when I am crying or a bite your heads PLEASE FORGIVE ME and am just getting through it, but until then I think that I am going to take a Xanax, eat a pop tart and go to bed!